Just a Dream
by LexiLindale35
Summary: He nodded his head, "yes, you can. I will always love you, but I am not your future. Go rattle the stars," he pushed my hair over my shoulder, "you're meant for so much more than a normal life Aelin."


The sun was shining brightly above me as I walked through the field. It was peaceful, nice. Normal. Something I never thought I would feel. No I never thought I'd achieve anything after becoming an assassin at such a young age. I never thought I'd forgive myself for what I had done. I never thought I'd find someone who looked at me and saw a girl, not a murderer.

But then again I never saw Sam coming.

I never saw him as my friend, let alone the person I'd fall in love with. Before this year I never imagined running away with him, finding this quiet little town on the outskirts of Rifthold. I never thought we would find a way to be normal people, have normal jobs.

I never thought I would fall in love.

Then again I never really thought of myself as a girl capable of love. I spent my entire life fighting, my entire life training with deadly weapons and even deadlier people. Normal was a word that never applied to me, even before I found myself as Arobynn's protege.

But then there was Sam. After Skull's bay everything changed. He told me his big dark secret and well I still couldn't bring myself to tell him mine. But somehow he trusted me. Somehow we made it this far together. We left Arobynn and the Assasin's Keep behind. We were truly free, a word I wouldn't even utter this time last year.

Now I woke up beside someone who saw me as the girl I wanted to be. The girl I always imagined myself as. The girl I created to escape the same fate as her parents. I woke up beside a man who would do anything to protect me, to keep me safe. And he knew that I was capable of doing exactly the same for him. Maybe the Gods had finally forgiven me for the things I had done in the past.

"Celaena!" Sam's voice carried over the flowers, "there you are, I've been looking everywhere for you."

I had been waking up early a lot these days. I wasn't one to sit still either, so I found find something to occupy my mind and my body in the mornings. I loved walking through our field and touching the flowers. The morning was always the best time, it was cool and the air was crisp. I loved the beauty of our land and reminding myself our past was truly behind us. I loved being here with the man who risked it all to save me. The man who made Arobynn promise to never hurt me again.

I smiled as Sam reached me and then wrapped his arms around my waist. His lips pressed against my neck as I leaned my back against his chest. No matter how much time we spent together I would never tire of this. I would never tire of his arms around me, or the feel of his skin against mine, "I'm sorry. You weren't worried were you?"

His hands slipped to my stomach, something he had been doing a lot lately. It was big and swollen. Our child was due in two months.

"No. But I thought the doctor told you to rest," as he spoke our baby started to kick. Our little one was already so in love with their father. He kept his hands flat against my stomach as the baby kept kicking and I couldn't help but turn in his arms so that I could see that crooked smile and the way his eyes lit up whenever this happened.

He was also already so in love with this baby I could hardly stand it.

His blue eyes met mine as I kissed his lips, wrapping my arms around his neck. He pressed his chest as close to me as he could. My stomach wasn't huge, but there was a space between us. A space that held our entire future.

I never realized that kissing Sam was like coming home. I had felt so lost my entire life after losing my family and in a way throwing away my history. But here with Sam, I found myself, I found my future. I found my home in his arms and left my heart in his hands. It was strange, to know one person held so much for you.

But Sam had always promised to take care of me. I trusted him with my heart. Hell I trusted him with my life. At this point in our lives we couldn't survive without the other.

"I'm allowed to walk around, worry wort," I whispered as I pulled away. I swiped my thumb over the shadows under his eyes. He spent a lot of time preparing for the baby these days. I leaned my forehead against his and sighed, "is this real? Are we seriously going to have a family? A normal life together."

Sam ran his hands down my arms and smiled. Those blue eyes flashed with so much love I could barely understand what he saw in me. All the years we spent growing up together I thought he hated me. I know I had done everything to keep him from becoming Arobynn's favorite. But standing there I kicked myself for not seeing how truly amazing he was sooner.

Maybe we could've found this little piece of normal earlier if I hadn't been so blind to what was right in front of me.

Sam nodded his head slowly as I hooked my arms around his neck, "yes. It's you and me Celaena. Wherever you go, I go."

I shook my head. Even after all these years I couldn't believe he was real, "I can't believe you loved me for so long. And you never told me."

He threw his head back as he laughed. It was one of my favorite sounds in the entire world. We had survived so much together and yet we still knew how to laugh, "are you going to hold that over my head forever?"

I shrugged, "maybe. Because I never thought I was someone anyone would be able to love. I never thought it was possible to see past the edges Arobynn gave me."

Sam's hand cupped my cheek, "I've always seen you, Celaena. I've always see your beauty and your grace. Your strength and your heart," he moved his hand over my chest, "they're the reason I fell in love with you."

I shook my head, "good answer," I whispered leaning in and kissing him once more.

"They're also the reason why someone else will fall in love with you," his voice was barely a whisper, the space between our lips was small. I could feel his breath hot on my skin. I tried to pull away to look at him, but he held me tightly, "someone else will get past that hard exterior and offer you so much more than I ever could."

He let me go and I looked up into his blue eyes more than confused. My heart was racing, his hand had pulled away from my stomach. I took in a deep breath, all the doubts and fears about our life together came flooding to the surface. He had a strange look in his eyes, as if this was the last time he would ever see me. His hands were on my waist, but I couldn't feel them anyone. The world tilted and I could've sworn it stopped spinning in that very moment.

Sam's face changed, there was a scar across his cheek, then another one appeared over his brow. I watched as the man I loved was slowly turning into someone I didn't recognize. The sunlight faded, but before I could figure out what was happening a pain tore through my stomach and I winced.

I pulled back and Sam grabbed my arm. The scars were still appearing, one beneath his eye, then suddenly one appeared over his heart. But his blue eyes were still bright as he held my arm gently, "what's wrong? Celaena."

I closed my eyes, trying to breath through the pain. It didn't just rip through my stomach, it tore through my heart and hit right in the center of my soul.

"I think. The baby," I got the words out through clenched teeth. I had taken a lot of pain of the years, I had the scars to prove it, but nothing compared to the pain hitting me right in that moment.

It took a moment for me to realize my stomach was gone. I was the same girl I had been two years ago covered in dust from the mines and barely clinging to life. The flowers were still there in the field, Sam was standing across from me. But everything was different, nothing would ever be the same again. That pain that had ripped through my stomach was still present in my soul. It ripped my heart into two as I looked at the first man I had ever truly loved.

Sam took in a deep breath, the scars were getting deeper. They were changing and rearranging his face. He grabbed my hand, "you'll be okay Celaena. You have to let me go. You have to let this dream go."

I looked at him confused, the pain inside my body throbbing as Sam kept staring. This wasn't making sense, I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. How had my world suddenly changed so drastically in the last five seconds? How could I let go of a dream I never even knew I had?

"What? I can't let you go."

"I'm okay with what happened," he pressed his palm against my cheek. I couldn't stop staring at the scars that lined his beautiful face, "if it meant dying to protect you, I would do it all over again. Because you were my life, you were the only thing that ever mattered to me in that damn house. I would do it all again to grant you the freedom you deserved."

He let out a slow breath, "I would do it all against for just one moment like this, where I could hold you in my arms and tell you I love you."

Tears clouded my vision as I stared at the man I wasn't ready to lose, "Sam please. Stay with me. I don't want to let you go. You told me you were afraid I'd pick Arobynn. I would never pick him. I chose you, now I can't let you go."

He nodded his head, "yes, you can. I will always love you, but I am not your future. Go rattle the stars," he pushed my hair over my shoulder, "you're meant for so much more than a normal life Aelin."

I shot up in bed, my hands shaking as I took in the dark room that surrounded me. It took me a moment to realize where I was. I was safe, in my apartment. Tears were in my eyes, my lungs burned as I swallowed down big gulps of air. My heart was beating frantically in my chest. It ached as badly as it had the day I lost it all.

My hands clenched the blanket tightly as I leaned back against the headboard. The dream had felt so real, it had been like Sam was back here with me. It was like he never left, like the girl I had been once before had never died. In that dream I had been happy, happier than I ever had been since the day I lost Sam. I pushed my hair out of my face and pulled my knees up to my chest.

I had never thought of a future with Sam. I never considered a family either. I never thought past the moment or the jobs we were given. I thought my life would always be with the keep, I thought I would never break free. I was barely seventeen and the most notorious Assassin in Adralan. There was no reason to look past the present.

But then Sam had come into my life, forced his way into my heart and changed everything I knew about who I was.

Leaving Arobynn had been one thing, finding normal had been another. I told Sam once I never thought I would be anything other than an assassin, I knew nothing else. But I guess somewhere deep down inside I yearned for a normal life with him. I wanted us both to be free. Maybe normal could've been the end point of our journey. An end neither one of us would ever get to see.

I wiped away the tears, wondering what could've been if he hadn't been taken away from me. Would we have been happy? Would there be a baby and a house with a field of flowers? Would we have found normal, or would we have spent our life fighting to free ourselves of all the horrible things we had done to find our freedom?

I thought the moment my wrists were shackled I had given up any hope of living a normal life. It was easy letting giving it all up and letting go of everything we had ever talked about because he wasn't here anymore.

The hard part was admitting that he was truly gone.

It had been over year since I was pulled out of Endovier. It had been months since I won the title as champion. I had let every single dream of Sam go the moment I saw him on that table. I had tucked him inside my heart, promising to avenge his death as soon as I could. Promising myself that I would never forget the man who opened up my heart and made me see that the world isn't full of terrible people.

So why was I dreaming about him now? Why was my brain tormenting me?

Someone shifted beside me. I opened my eyes and his white hair fell onto the pillow. His legs moved and he turned so that he was facing me. He stretched out, pulling the blanket that had gotten caught up around my feet. Slowly his eyes opened.

When he saw me sitting there crying, his hand reached for mine, "another bad dream?"

I couldn't help but smile at the compassion in his voice and in his eyes. Rowan. Another soul I never thought I would ever be able to understand. He was as bruised and scared, as hard and rough, as I was. His history was longer and even more brutal than mine. And yet somehow we found our way to each other. Somehow we thought we would be able to save each other.

I laced my fingers through his, "sort of."

I laid back down beside him, "want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. Rowan knew about Sam. Rowan knew about everything. He knew every single scar that haunted me, physically and emotionally. I didn't have anything to hide from him, because I knew he wouldn't care. He still looked at me like I deserved that throne.

I let out a breath as I ran my thumb along his big hand. He was so steady, so not someone who should tolerate me. But he was here. The moment I realized he was my _carranam_ my heart had stitched a few pieces of itself back together. Because Rowan made it easier for me to breathe. Having him beside me, made life a little less complicated.

I had always prided myself on being able to handle whatever was thrown at me. I was Arobynn's best Assassin, I worked best on my own. But the moment I met Rowan, the moment I broke his blood oath to Maeve and he forced me to establish one between us, I knew I couldn't see anyone else fighting beside me. He was the ice to my fire, the prince to my queen.

As much as I hated to admit it, I needed him beside me.

He stayed quiet, waiting for me to answer him. I swallowed the tears that found their way into my throat. I hated crying. It did nothing and wouldn't solve any problems. But sometimes I couldn't be the hard girl I once was. Sometimes I let myself break. Rowan was one of the only people I had ever let me see like this.

My eyes found his even in the dark. I told him about the dream, about seeing Sam and the scars that appeared. I paused and then looked down at our hands, "I think. I think Sam was giving me his blessing. Telling me to let him go, so I could be happy. So I could be Aelin."

Rowan reached up and his hand found my cheek. He ran his thumb across the soft skin under my eyes and I moved in closer to him, "you'll never forget your first love. You'll never break free from the scars that line your heart. But I will be here to make sure you never forget how to live either."

Another tear fell down my cheek as I pressed my lips to his, "to whatever end," I whispered as he wrapped his arms around me and then I laid my head on his chest.

I closed my eyes. I thought I had lost everything the day I lost Sam. In that moment I had, because he had been the promise of everything I never knew I wanted. But somehow I found that hope again. I found a will to live and a battle worth fighting for. I knew Sam would want me to be happy, he would want me to find a will to live.

Even if that hope and will was given to me by someone else.

I tucked Sam back into my heart and took in a deep breath, listening to Rowan fall back asleep. I didn't deserve his love or his patience, but I would be forever grateful to the Gods for crossing our paths. I knew if I had to endure this fight without him I wouldn't have the strength to pull myself out of the darkness that surrounded us.

As I drifted off to sleep I had one final thought about Sam. I remembered his mantra, and I smiled. He had given me the strength to survive the mines, to fight for my freedom. That dream reminded me of everything he taught me, everything he wanted us to be. He had never once been afraid to find a life together. Now he would give me the strength to fight for my people.

I spoke the words softly to myself in the dark room. "I am Aelin Ashryver Galathynuis and I will not be afraid."

Not anymore.


End file.
